Krishna…a name that gives me peace, a name that heals my pain. I wonder, if I feel this much peace in only uttering His name, then how will be the experience of seeing His reflection in my heart? How will be the experience of capturing His glimpse in my eyes? Ohh, how joyous, how blissful will be the experience of touching His lotus feet and bowing my head before Him, to show my love, reverence, and devotion?

I was lost in my thoughts, meanwhile, I realized, I never saw Him as a God, someone who is watching over me from above. I always see Him as a human, someone who is with me, who can hear me, see me, play with me, protect me, and give me peace with his flute.

Maybe this is because I grew up playing with the Laddu Gopal of our house, and I befriended the Laddu Gopal. On my visits to my maternal house, I watched my maternal grandmother taking care of her Gopala as her son, feeding Him, talking to Him, scolding Him, loving Him, and through every humane activity, she worshipped Him. Thus, I spent my childhood years with the Sakhya Bhav where I saw Laddu Gopal as my dearest friend with whom I shared my heart, even sometimes we also shared our laddu and then we were caught red-handed by the elders of the family. Among them, some people laughed, some became angry, some were shocked, and some promised me a bigger laddu so that I leave our Laddu Gopal alone to have His laddu. But it was me, who was not convinced at all; don’t know why I found our Gopal’s laddu the most attractive and the tastiest of all the laddus in the world, and thus, I kept crying and demanding to have an equal share of that laddu only.

Did I hear someone telling me it’s okay to have His laddu with me? Did I see someone smiling with the most beautiful eyes, when I stole His laddu? Did I feel someone offering me His laddu to share the food with His only little friend in the house?

When our house was divided, and the guardians of the family decided to hand over the Laddu Gopal to the member who has a son, probably one of the successors of the family, I saw Him going away from me to the other house.

Being a daughter felt not okay because it was the only reason I was not handed over my dearest Laddu Gopal whom I befriended in my early childhood, with whom I celebrated my Rakhi and Bhai Fota, who promised me to stay with me forever. That day, for the first time, I was angry with Him. I thought of ending all my bonding with Him, I even decided not to talk to Him ever again in my life.

But Krishna always finds a way to come to me, like a dear friend, or sometimes, like a beloved.

Years later, when I grew up, I felt a deep love for Him. I started seeing Him with an addiction in my eyes…ahh, how could I stay away from His divine flute? How could I pretend my fake anguish for Him? How could I stop talking to Him? That day, I realized, what it means to break a promise to yourself.

Love always blindfolds you, makes you brave, and calls you to step out the door that stops you from going to Him. That day, I realized, what it means to be Radha, what it means to be Meera, and how the Makkhan Chor, Nanda Lala, Ghanashyam, Giridharee – in whatever name you may call Him, unshackles you to run to Him, forgetting the world, forgetting yourself.

I kept remembering Him through my music. One day, I was singing “Jab se Shyam sidhare…”, a thumri that evokes my pain and longing for my beloved Krishna. I was crying, unbeknownst to the truth that tears were rolling down my cheeks. I was singing, only to seek Him through my music. As if, I was waiting for my lover, Krishna, and the Shringar Rasa was flooding in my eyes, wherein, the Viraha Rasa was drenching me within.

After some years, while doing the worshipping rituals at the temple of our house, I was scolding Krishna. Later, when I worshipped Him, I felt a motherly affection for Him; just like a mother, I was concerned about Him, and my eyes were wet, my teardrops were my devotion to Him as the blossoms of my love. I offered the garland woven with my teardrops to His lotus feet, and kept singing, “Joto sadh asha gelo jhoriya, poro tai gole mala koriya…” (all my desires and hopes have fallen like the withered petals, oh my lord, wear the garland made of them, let them shine in your neck now. These lines are quoted from a Nazrulgeeti.)

Vatsalya Bhav embraced me and I found my solace in the deepest of affection for my child, my Krishna.

My Krishna…Calling the Lord mine – is not it enough to welcome Him to the earth that’s waiting for the arrival of the saviour who will stay in every home in any of His avatars and look after us for ages after ages, for His glory lives here forever with the footprints of love, compassion, and affection, as the most beautiful path of devotion?

At the auspicious hour of Janmashtami, let’s pray for His blessings so He removes the darkness and enlightens our lives with His light.

(This post is a part of Blogchatter Half Marathon 2023.)