My calendar of 2023 started on 11th February. January gave me hope with new dreams, a new purpose, and a new work field. However, it left me shattered from within because I was facing consistent failures, and somehow, I lost my self-confidence. Slowly, it caused me to suffer from sadness and low self-esteem, and I started spending my days mourning, grieving, and howling.

Thus came February, and the first ten days were terrible. The grief started taking over me, and the 8th, 9th, and 10th of February marked the most gruesome days of the year.

My depressive ruminations possessed me and I surrendered myself to the pain in my entirety. Locking myself up in a room, I made sure all the curtains covered the windows so no light could peek through them and I could weep in the dark. Nobody could hear me, or perhaps, those who heard never cared because it was just another round of my emotional outbursts to them.

I cried a lot. One moment, I reached such a state when I started choking. But I wanted to give myself that pain. I didn’t rise from the ground and borrowed myself a glass of water. I had a plan to skip my meals but mom and dad forced me to eat at least a bite of the roti or some humble amount of rice. I silently followed their words.

I was silent, and they feared that deadly silence because it was not normal for a girl like me who generally expresses her feelings with a loud disclosure: whether I am sad or happy, I never fail to express it right away. So, the silence was considered a sign of the storm inside me.

10th of February evening, Dad announced to me that they were going to Kolkata for some urgent work, and they wanted me to go with them. At that moment, I was not in a state of talking to anyone, and they presumed I would ask for leaving me at home alone.

But, to my utter surprise, I said yes!

As if someone inside me knew that it was going to be a lifetime experience for me.

I woke up early and got ready to join my parents. When we reached the platform, it was 5:30 AM. The crimson sky was looking beautiful. Somewhere in that aura of the dawn, the monster inside me stopped groaning and I started bringing myself back to the light. Something was there in the air, a positive vibe that was uplifting my mood as if a sapling was giving birth to its first leaves and they were raising their heads above the earth’s surface.

Ahh, that feeling when someone slowly tiptoes to the rhythm of life after a long…

I am grateful to all of them whom I captured in my heart that morning. That smiling face of the little girl, that naughty kid playing with a toy on the platform, that tree adorned with the hues of spring, those tiny white blooms shattered on the ground like pearls, and the whistle of the train while watching its engine entering the platform: everything made me happy. I could sense a ray of hope blossoming inside me, and I realized again, that hope heals.

Towards our destination in Kolkata, I observed some more things that made the journey a memorable one. That lady beggar without legs on the Howrah Junction, that foreign couple waiting for a yellow taxi, those idols of Gour-Nitai waiting behind the truck to be delivered to their destination, those recycled flower baskets decorating the fencing of picturesque houses, and that flock of pigeons flew with a hooooshhh sound after eating the grain seeds from the ground: everything I noticed, sent me a message of life.

That something is still there, waiting for me. And within that hope, I restored my faith in me, to bring me back to the usual rhythm of life.

While returning home the next day, I took a tiny bundle of joy from her Dad as he went to search for her Mom who lost her way in the previous compartment of the train. The little one was crying aloud but as soon as I kept her head on my shoulder, she stopped crying and fell asleep. Her body odor smelled divine, and that gentle touch of her soft skin, those tiny hands and legs, and that sleeping face, healed my soul.

And I could feel my heart started beating again.

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February marked one more thing that guided me to a new purpose. I participated in the Write A Page A Day challenge by Blogchatter and later, I compiled those pieces to publish them as my third book.

If I make a list of the things in 2023 that gave me joy, there would be many. I was back to creative writing after ages. I wrote an ode to Notee Binodini, one of those women who shaped the woman in me. I hosted two blog hops successfully, published the paperback editions of my first and second books, learned 20 new songs, brought myself back to the reading habit, started book reviews again, had a long trip to the outskirts of Bengal, bought some books from my TBR list, and some more that I fail to recall at this moment.

Meanwhile, my short story ‘Towards a New Dawn’ found its home in the Anthology titled ‘And Then There Was Life’, compiled by Rakhi Jayashankar. I got a chance to be a contributing author to two other Anthologies to be published in the coming months.

The first half of the year made new promises to me and I hoped to have more sunshine days in the next months too, but who can predict the future? From the last weeks of July till now, I am burdened with many problems, health complications, family issues, mom’s prolonged sickness, emotional suffering, and many more.

But yes, I am grateful to 2023 for gifting me some precious moments to be cherished forever.

2023 taught me some great life lessons:

1. I learned how to define happiness in my own way.
2. I learned peace of ignorance and it made me wiser.
3. 2023 taught me the ABC of the art of leaving. Though I have learned only the ABC, and Z seems far, far away, I am happy to let go of some things that bid adieu and I saw them going far from my silent cries.
4. I started practicing simple living with minimalism to make my way toward acceptance and peace.

So, the reminder for 2024 for me is: No matter what the world thinks of you, remember to give yourself enough time to nurture the child within. You deserve you. Take time for self-care, and embrace self-love even if it sometimes sounds selfish. Take care of your dear ones but don’t forget to live for yourself.

My biggest realization of 2023:

The universe lives within you; in the blink of your eyes, in your breath, in your smile, in your words, in your silence. If you are longing to travel the world but can’t step outside, don’t worry, awaken your senses to absorb the essence of You.

When you have a heart full of compassion, everywhere you see, is a reflection of the universal truth, and a glimpse of the Omnipresent.

– Swarnali (The Blissful Storyteller)

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On this note, I want to share the beautiful gift I received from my dear friend Rashi Roy. I love this painting so much, as it’s a reminder for me: To be a sunshine, first, you have to be the Sun.

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I see the world prepping up to welcome the new year, I see people making plans for the celebration, I see the year leaving us with a bunch of stories to write, memories to remember, and revelations to embark on a new journey.

I look beyond the window and stretch my hand outside. I can’t understand what particularly I want at this hour; a new hope to bloom in my heart, or a circle to end, or the touch of life, once again.

The Bluetooth speaker keeps playing the song Puthiyoru Lokam, and Bhadra Rajin’s words echo to my ears: Malar Chendil Oro Mottum Oro Swapnam (Each bud in the bouquet is a whole new dream).

I see a flower slowly unfurling its petals…

(This post is part of The Year & You Blog Hop hosted by me. We are a bunch of twenty-seven bloggers, biding a goodbye to 2023 and welcoming 2024 by showing gratitude and sharing our hope and promises together.)

Read entries by our participants here.